Losing Your Memory
by SiriusUntiltheVeryEnd
Summary: "Yes… Stupid like how you are leaning towards me right now. Stupid like how you're looking at me. You are a Black. I'm a half-blood. This should be a no brainer. You need to go. You need to stop looking at me like that and you need to remember you are supposed to be repulsed by the sound of me breathing."
1. No One's Here To Sleep

Had I known what would happen, had I been told or knew, would I have still done it? We all ask ourselves that. For some it's about small things like should we have bought that overpriced jacket even though we barely had enough money for lunch. But for me it always came down to decisions that weren't mine to make.

I choose to be in Slytherin. The hat asked before it told me a thing about where it thought I should go and I said, "I want to be in the house were people are remembered. A house that people have listed in their biographies because it says something about them." And I added. "I want to be in the house my mother was in."

So I went to Slytherin.

Was it easy? No.

Being a half-blood may be fine in any other house. They may not even know about your blood status at all but in Slytherin that is all that matters. From the moment I started I knew what I was getting myself into and I didn't care. My blood status and who I came from was made clear to me well before I walked beneath the charmed ceiling of the Great Hall.

By the time I reached my seventh year I'd gotten the swing of things. I knew who to watch out for, who to ignore, who I could ask for favors from and who would rather go skinny dipping, wandless, in the middle of the Black Lake than help me. I was Quidditch Captain despite several of my teammates constant attempts to get me kicked off for being 'less than pure,' and despite my struggles in Transfiguration I was still passing. It was starting to become manageable until Mary McDonald... Until we found her body.

* * *

October 4th I headed into the kitchens to meet Dorcas before I was supposed to go to practice. She was sitting on the table cross legged like some kind of starved animal, inhaling the sugar cookies with her dark hair tied in a loose bun on top of her head.

"You realize they make more cookies if you ask nicely right?" I laughed, hiking up on the table to sit next to her.

Dorcas shook her head with a delirious sigh. "No... it will take time... I can't afford time..." She hugged the bowl. "Do you know how long it's been?"

"Are you talking to me or the cookies?"

"The cookies."

Snorting, I took one before there was nothing left. "So I guess you're not handling the Gryffindor Quidditch diet well, huh?"

"I hate James and Sirius for graduating and leaving me with _dick-ta-tor_ Wood." Dorcas practically growled, her black eyes narrowed. "Why is it remotely necessary for me to eat healthy? I work out. I stay fit. I don't need to eat a green thing every day. And I will fight anyone that says I do."

"I don't doubt that... I don't know what to tell you. Although I'd pay someone good money to try to put Flint on any sort of diet... I swear if I wrote the word chocolate on a piece of parchment he'd eat it."

"That's why he's Keeper. Not a lot of deep thinking going on there."

"No."

"But then." She wiped the crumbs off her face. "With that logic you could say that about most of your team."

"Lucinda's smart."

"Yes... the only other girl on the team."

I said. "I'm not going to deny there's a connection there but let's be honest your team isn't from the greatest stock either."

"We should have just combined Slytherin and Gryffindor and made a hybrid team."

"And kicked off everyone we didn't like."

Dorcas smirked at that. "If only."

"Yeah." I sighed, leaning back against the wall. "Well either way. We'll both be playing Quidditch next year while all of these idiots are doing other things."

"God, what is Flint going to do after he graduates?... How did he even get to the point where he is illegible to graduate?" She grimaced.

"Daddy's money... or mummy's money... You never know with these Pureblood's. They all have a back up relatives with offshore accounts and gold incrested everything."

Dorcas snickered at that. "True. Only teacher who won't pass him through is McGonagall. I love that dumb little face he gets when she tries to slow it down to explain it for him."

"I would if he didn't get the same look on his face whenever I talked to him... I swear it's like his brain has a switch and it was shut off at birth."

"That could be a thing."

I laughed and shook my head. "Just one more year, right?"

"Less than that at this point... Oh, I've been meaning to ask you. Have you seen Jocelyn? I've been trying to track her ass down to figure out what we're doing for her birthday next week."

"Nope. Last time I saw her I was yelling at her for taking my pitch time."

"Did she laugh?"

"Yeah." I laughed. "She wouldn't give it to me."

"You know she doesn't care. It will kill her if you beat her when you have a man with a light switch brain stopping her team from scoring goals."

"Listen, we all have problems. I'm sure she's cuddling with Jack or doing her Ancient Runes homework."

"I don't know why she takes that class. The homework takes hours."

I shrugged. "She likes a puzzle. Why do you constantly jump on the nearest dick available?"

"Why don't you?" Dorcas countered.

"Exactly my point. We all do weird things."

"No but really why, don't you?" Dorcas nudged me with a smirk.

"You're acting like I'm saving myself for something." I laughed. "I just don't like anyone so it's not happening. Which is the opposite of your problem really."

"It really is... I like it better when they don't like me. Makes the hate sex much more interesting."

"I'm sure it does." I checked my watch. "I should get down to the field before they try to stage another mutiny."

"Who do you think will do it this time? Rabastan for favorities sake? The creepy twins?"

"I don't know maybe Black will use his one sentence of the year and telling I'm doing something wrong. Who knows?" I pushed myself off the table. "We should corner Jocelyn tomorrow about her birthday. I still don't even know what to get her."

"You're not going to bake her a cake?"

"No of course I'm going to bake her a cake but that can't be her only present."

Dorcas nodded. "I'll grab you tomorrow at lunch and we'll see what we can do."

"That works. I'll see you later."

I left the kitchens feeling a bit stuffed but knowing I wouldn't be flying for another half hour I didn't dwell on it. I just tucked my hair behind my ear and started heading towards the field when I saw Black.

He walked towards me with his usual blank expression and said. "The Carrows are sick."

"Of course they both are." I scoffed in disgust. "Well I think we can do without them for one practice."

Regulus nodded and I knew that was the most conversation there would be. I actually half expected him to walk away until we both saw a crowd around the front door across from the Great Hall. "What is it?" I asked Elizabeth Yaxley, not able to see through the hoards of students.

"I dunno." She shrugged, only getting up to my height on her tiptoes. "I just got here a moment ago."

Frowning I said, "I wonder what the fuss…." My words fell flat when she got a flash of what they were surrounding.

A small girl was on the floor and for the longest pause I thought was Dorcas. She had the same hair color and was rail thin like Dorcas but that was where the comparison ended. Her bright blue eyes were thankfully shut but I could see from the angle of her limp body to the pool of blood on the floor that she was dead.

"Oh god…" A girl next to me gasped. I was speechless. When the crowd broke a part again there was writing on the wall.

 _'_ _All mudbloods, half-bloods and blood-traitors are next.'_

* * *

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	2. Keep Breathing

About a week after I was sorted into Slytherin I was curled into my bed, crying myself to sleep. At eleven I thought I knew what I was getting myself into by electing to be sorted into Slytherin. I didn't register the feeble clapping from my table when I sat down and I didn't think about all of the political headlines I'd seen about how half-blood's were often as distrusted and disliked as muggleborn's were. I thought it would be different for me. That naivity quickly died out. The first day all of the girls spoke to me for hours. I thought that they were as nervous and excited as I was. I thought they wanted to be my friend. It didn't occur to me that they were just trying to get information to use against me. But then I found that they'd jinxed the word 'slut,' onto all of my school skirts and sprayed 'half-breed' onto all of my sheets in permenant ink. That dream wasn't long lived.

* * *

Dropping down into one of the squishy bean bag chairs Dumbledore had placed all over the Great Hall, I tried to calm down my nerves. I tried to think about anything else; school, family, goals, books, anything but I couldn't forget the color of her skin or the angle her body was in. I couldn't stop thinking about how she had gotten that way and how scared she must have been.

It killed me. To think of that poor girl probably running, screaming for someone to help her... forever silenced.

"How long are we stuck here for?" Clara Rosier sighed looking at herself in a mirror to fix her make-up. "I mean a Mudblood is dead so what? How many of them die in a year? It's just another."

Swallowing the bile in my throat, I fought the urge to throttle her self-absorbed ass. Of course a life would mean nothing to her. She was headed for Stepfordumb. To be Mrs. Someone for the rest of her life and have no concerns other than if her husband would leave her when her body wasn't as tight after popping out four heirs.

She had no idea what it would be like. To live in a world were you could be left with your throat slit so your entire life would amount to what some sick bastard wrote on the wall in your blood. To live in fear. Once fifth year Clara gotten a pimple and I thought she was going to have a panic attack when every other girl in the dorm had told her to just put some toothpaste on it.

 _Fucking idiot._

Jocelyn made her way over to me, bringing her boyfriend Jack McKinnon with her once they realized I was in the hall with them. She hugged me tightly, her long arms curled around me. "This is so messed up."

I nodded, shifting so they could sit down in the bean bag chairs next to me.

Jack reached over and squeezed my arm. He said with a grimace. "The teachers should have her taken and... it cleaned up soon."

"Still doesn't help that we're probably sitting near the psychopath that did it." I shook my head vemonously. "God... why Mary? She was so nice."

Jocelyn curled into her hoodie. "Maybe that was it?"

"Being too nice?" I asked, "Then I guess both of you are screwed."

Jack shook his head. "It looked messy... I couldn't tell if it was intentional or a cover up."

"Like if they killed her and then tried to make it into a political fuck you or if they killed her to make it a political fuck you?" I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Exactly." He said.

"So fucked up." I sighed, wiping my face.

Jocelyn said softly. "I just can't imagine who would do it... And so arrogantly."

"Someone that knew they wouldn't get caught or be punished if they did." I answered.

"That narrows it down." Jack said, openly staring at the Slytherin group where the teacher's table usually sat.

I looked over to where Jack was glaring. They were all sitting together playing exploading snap, laughing and talking like nothing was new. I went down the row one by one. Rabastan couldn't have done it because he was in detention. Flint was too stupid to write a threatening note with every word spelled correctly. Mulciber, Avery and the Carrows certainly would be capable considering their outspoken hatred and lack of any moral decency. Finally my eyes landed on Regulus Black.

He wasn't sitting with the rest of them for some reason. He was off to the side looking at his shoes like they were particularly interesting. I'd only glanced at the others for a second, not wanting them to see I looked at them at all. But he was so focused he didn't look up when I stared longer.

He was handsome like his older brother but smaller, still tall but lankier with high cheekbones and a razor sharp jawline. Out of all of them he was the only one I couldn't gauge. At first I wanted to discount him because he'd walked up with me but he could have staged that. All of the rest frequently spouted their racist bigotry but he was quiet about whatever his opinions were. Calculated.

"Emma?" Jocelyn poked me. "Did you hear me?"

"Hm?" I turned and blinked. "What?"

"I said. Do you want to stay in my dorm tonight? I really don't think you should go back there considering..."

I smiled at her. "Thanks but I'm fine. We don't even know if they'll let us out of here."

"You should take her up on it." Jack suggested, his heavy eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"I can take care of myself. Besides I can hardly sleep in your bed for the rest of term, can I? So I might as well suck it up now."

"I know." Jocelyn sighed, fidgeting with her sleeve. "I just worry about you being with all of them..."

"I know honey." I smiled sincerely, pulling her over into my side for a hug. "But I'm tough. Okay?"

She nodded, the tears slipping down her face. "Mhmm."

"And besides. I hate cuddling with you two." I teased, grinning when she laughed. "Jack takes up so much space, and you make noises when you sleep... It's just too much for us all."

Jack laughed heartedly. "At least I don't take all of the covers."

"I'm not going to apologize for that, Jack."

"You never do..." He sighed dramatically.

Jocelyn frowned suddenly and I asked. "What?"

"It's just...Dorcas... I hope she's okay."

"I'm sure this was just an isolated event."

"No... You're probably right but Mary was in her house... I think they were friends." Jocelyn said quietly.

I nodded with a sigh. "As soon as they let us out of here we will go get her."

"Okay." Jocelyn let out a heavy sigh running rubbing her temples.

* * *

We didn't get out for hours. Dumbledore had dinner served and sleeping bags brought in. By the time we got to Dorcas it was the next afternoon. Her eyes were puffy and she was unnaturally quiet, curled up in a big fluffy blanket. Jocelyn, Jack, Dorcas and I hung out together until we had to go back to our dorms for curfew. There was a tension in every conversation, a hesitation in every goodbye. I didn't like the idea of leaving any of them after what happened to Mary but there was little I could do about it.

It wasn't until I started going up the stairs to my room that I thought about Jocelyn said. She had a point. Dorcas was surrounded by blood-traitors and likeminded people all of the time. Jocelyn was off the radar and dating a McKinnon. I was the one walking directly into the gallows. There wasn't a single doubt in my mind that one of my housemates had done this and I had absolutely not protection from it.

So I stopped, turned around and stayed down in the common room for a bit, hoping that Alecto and the others would be asleep by the time I decided to go up. It had been too long of a day for me to have a verbal sparing with her about what should or shouldn't happen to people that were less than Pureblood.

Everyone had gone up. I was sitting by the wall, away from the fire with my legs tucked into my chest. I didn't even have a time in my where I would drag myself up. I just knew I needed to sit there and try to breathe. All of it just felt so surreal. Like a bad dream.

"What are you doing?"

My eyes lifted from the carpet to the speaker. I expected someone else, anyone else. When I saw Regulus, I replied. "Sitting."

Regulus gestured to sit down across from me and I shrugged, too worn to be as shocked his appearence or his willingness to sit with me as I should have been.

"What are you doing up?" I asked.

"I don't sleep much."

I snorted at that.

"What?"

"You just... I'm sorry but you don't seem like a real person." I told him simply. "You're always in control. Always have an automated response. It's surprising to hear you have flaws."

Regulus replied, leaning back. "I'm a real person. I just know better."

"You _know better_?"

He nodded. "You give people information about you. You give them power."

"That's fair." I said, looking over his stoic expression wondering why he had just given me information.

There was a long silence between us. Neither of us clearly had much practice speaking to one another. But I could see he was trying to figure out how to say something and I couldn't help but be curious to what that was. I thought, what could Regulus Black possibly want to ask me?

"Did you know her?" He asked finally.

I shook my head. "Not really. My friend was friends with her."

He was quiet for a few minutes. I thought he was going to leave before he asked. "Want to go for a walk?"

My eyebrows shot up. "We're not supposed to..."

"So?"

I had no solid reason to get up and go with him. A day earlier I hadn't even knocked him off the suspect list for Mary. We weren't friends. We were barely teammates, but I stood up, slipped on my shoes and said. "Okay."

* * *

Walking alone in the dark is one thing; every noise could be someone coming, every step is a step away from safety. Walking with someone you don't even know is worse because if you're walking with them you should trust them. You should know that no matter what thing you see or hear it's the two of you against everything.

"Do you do this normally?" I asked to break the silence.

He nodded. "I like it better at night. It's more peaceful."

"It is." I said, looking around at all of the shadows and moonlit coridoors.

"Are you going to leave?" He questioned, his grey eyes glancing over my face curiously. "I heard a few people are transferring."

"No... I hadn't thought of it. You want to be Captain? Is that why you want to know?" I asked, my tone bordering on teasing without any recognition why.

"No." A low laugh left him.

"He laughs?"

"I'm human."

"Hmm... That is new information." I teased again.

Regulus stopped walking and smirked at me in front of one of the alcoves. The moonlight showed all the freckles on his cheeks that I'd never been close enough to see before... And other things that I could have noticed perfectly well at a greater distance.

That should have been the moment, standing there with him in my sweats with no make-up on and my silver and green headband keeping my hair back. Regulus standing there in his long sleeved Quidditch shirt and sweats... That should have been the moment where I realized this, whatever we were doing at that exact moment, was ridiculous and suggested we head back. And it would have never had to go any farther than a series of odd decisions caused by tragic circumstance.

I didn't do that though. I didn't do a lot of things I should have. Like when I saw his face and recognized the expression to be familuar I should have changed the subject. Or when he started leaning down to kiss me I should have stopped him. I should have known that that was crazy. Instead, I looked from his strong looking lips to his grey eyes and stopped thinking completely. The instant he touched me the entire world faded away. And I was gone.

* * *

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	3. The Struggle

"You're cheating." I gasped at Dorcas when she intentionally skipped her turn.

She rolled her eyes, taking a card. "A Slytherin lechuring me on following the rules..."

"Slytherin's bend the rules. Gryffindor's break and don't even respect them." I retorted, crossing my legs under the table.

Jocelyn yawned, checking her watch. "We should probably finish up soon."

"Why? What are we rushing to? Charms?" Dorcas scoffed. "I think we can skip one class of Flitwick giving us assignments we already know how to do."

"You are in a delightful mood." I muttered, taking my turn after she finished hers.

"I just don't see a point in it. We know all the material. Besides... it feels like we're wasting our time when we could be doing other things." Dorcas replied.

"Like what?" I asked.

"I dunno. But anything is better than seeing Collin Clearwater's hand in the air for a class period."

Jocelyn frowned in thought. "Okay. Why don't we go but after class we leave and go do something fun?"

"School's on lockdown." Dorcas said with a growing smirk. "Are you, Miss. Goody Goody Ravenclaw suggesting we break a Headmaster decree?"

Jocelyn snorted. "Yes... Quit looking at me like I'm Virgin Mary. We all break rules. You're the only one that takes pride and doing it."

"It's just so fun." Dorcas grinned. "I can't help it."

"Yes you can." Jocelyn giggled, poking her side before she shook her head.

"Have you sent in all of your applications for post-grad?" I asked Jocelyn knowingly.

She smirked, rubbing her hands together in excitement. "Yes. Yes I did. I should be working for the Department of Mysteries this time next year."

"With your hubby working in the Deparment of Law Enforcement." I nudged her.

"Oh he's already in. He's the fifth McKinnon." Jocelyn waved me off.

"Well... I've actually made a decision." Dorcas declared, "I'm going to be joining him."

"Noooo." I groaned. "I thought you were going pro with me!"

Dorcas smiled. "As great as an idea as that is. I think I came to the same conclusion Joce did. I'm good but I'm not great. Plus... with this war coming I'd like to do my part."

"Well that's all noble and wonderful of you." I sighed dramatically before smiling. "I'm ... happy for you. I just will be lonely on the Quidditch field. This is the last year I get to kick both of your asses... End of an era really."

"Well then." Jocelyn put her hand over mine. "When you lose we will make sure to make it memorable."

I scoffed, smacking her hand away. "Yeah. Gryffindor might stand a chance but Ravenclaw hasn't beat Slytherin in 10 years."

"All those more reason for us to beat you." Jocelyn said, starting to put away the cards.

"Such optimism Ms. Sewlyn!" I scoffed, standing up with the pair of them. "Although if I'm partnered with Drake again. I'm with Doe. I'm not sitting through an entire .T class explaining the material to someone that's supposed to be good enough to get into the class."

Dorcas nodded. "I second that... I think Flitwick is too nice. I could roll over his bar of expectations."

"We all could." Jocelyn muttered dryly, slipping into class and sitting in the assigned seat next to me. "Well that worked out-"

"Loooook." I laughed, pointing at Dorcas's face when she walked along and saw her partner was Drake Buckley.

"She's going to murder us for not ditching class."

"Eh, we'll get her drunk and by her chocolates." I shrugged, getting out some parchment.

* * *

It had been two days since Mary and fifteen hours since the incident. The incident that I almost entirely chalked up to a weird dream until I caught a look of him across the room. My entire face flushed but luckily Jocelyn had stopped paying attention to me.

No part of me considered telling my best friends that I knew what it felt like to have Regulus Black's lips against mine. There were a million reasons why I felt it was necessary to keep that secret to myself. For starters it was probably the stupidest thing I'd ever done. And more so, I had no idea why I did it. Sure it was a stressful time, I was not really myself and I've always found him attractive. But none of that was a good reason for me to do it.

I was so close to getting out of Hogwarts without any scars or damage. Yes I had some bumps and bruises but mostly I had managed to sneak by without making a mess of things. And I was determined to not let a second of thoughtlessness get in the way of that. It was an accident basically. Nothing either one of us would want to bring up or ever repeat ever again. It was that simple.

When I walked up to him after class, I was going to make that clear by not bringing it up at all. Practice had been rescheduled so I had a perfectly justifiable reason to pull him aside and have a quick word with him. It would set the stage and completely break down any chance of it ever becoming a problem.

"Hey. Can I steal you for a sec?"

He eyed me for a moment before nodding. "Sure."

"So I just talked to Slughorn." I said, stopping in the alcove outside Charms. "We have practice tomorrow morning to make up for the one we missed. I think we'll just do conditioning and rehearse some drills. It's at 7am sharp, okay?"

"Okay."

I looked up at him and nodded. "Well I'll see you-"

"I don't know why I kissed you... I don't know what I was thinking." Regulus admitted, barely above a whisper.

I blinked in shock, blindsighted. There wasn't a single part of me that thought he'd bring it up and now I was struggling to find something to say.

"Um... It's okay..." I said uncertainly. "Not a big deal."

"I just... I don't know why I did it."

I pressed my lips together and nodded with wide eyes. "Me neither."

"I won't do it again."

"Okay um... That's probably for the best."

He nodded decisively, his grey eyes searching my brown ones.

"Yeah it was a bad... bad decision." Regulus tilted his head at me and I quickly added. "Not... not that it was bad... That it was stupid... Not... I'll see you tomorrow." I blurted out before I practically ran away from him.

* * *

After I fled the scene, I left with the girls for a few hours. We drank, danced and shopped a little. We perhaps should have waited a few days longer to go out on our own but Mary's death just cemented how little time any of us gets at all.

When I returned to my room, I found Flora, my Owl, waiting for me. It was a letter from my dad. Checking on me. Making sure I was alright. Clearly Mary's death hadn't hit the Daily Prophet or he would have come in person but he still noticed I hadn't written in a few days. I wrote him a quick reply. I didn't have much to say really. Saying anything about Mary would just worry him, so I just told him a lot of little things and asked him how his job and the cats were doing. I loved my dad but the last thing I needed was my muggleborn father rolling up demanding answers and justice. He was better left at his desk in the Ministry cataloguing court cases, ignoring the glances the woman from the fourth floor sent him.

Sending the letter, I was about to crawl into bed when Alecto slipped into our room. I rolled my eyes and told her. "We have practice tomorrow morning. 7 o'clock."

"Yes. My brother told me." She snapped. "You expect me to attend?"

"Yes... Practice is mandatory."

Alecto glowered at me. "You're so damn smug. Like you deserve to be in charge of anything. You're nothing but a-"

"Bottom dweller, half-ling, half-breed, scum of the earth." I finished for her, slipping under my covers. "I got it Alecto. You do not like me. And you do not think I'm fit to shine your shoes. Now can you hit the lights? Everyone else is in bed."

She was about to shout at me, to scream like a child that didn't get her way. But I just shut my curtains and ignored her like I always did.

The next morning, I woke up a little groggy but mostly everything was back to the way it had been before. I should have eaten more bread the night before but I fixed that by eating a big breakfast with two cups of coffee. Twenty minutes later, I arrived on the field ready to go mentally. The others wouldn't get there for a while so I went for a bit of a jog to get wake up my body. It had only been a few days since I last worked out but my body acted like it had been weeks.

When I made it back to the locker room my tank top was laced with sweat and my joints were aching in the best way. Bending in half, I stretched my long legs and sighed. I saw a shadow in the doorway and turned to see Regulus a half hour early. I finished stretching and sighed.

"Hey. You're early." I took off my shirt and grabbed my practice jersey.

I was only half paying attention to what I was doing. I'd changed in front of him for years for Quidditch and I talked him and the rest of the team while I was changing a dozen times. And I thought we'd affectively put the day before well behind us so I didn't even think about that anymore.

It wasn't until he grabbed my arm to stop me from putting my shirt on that I looked up. He was standing closer than he had the last time I talked to him, far closer than he had any reason to stand to me.

"What… what are you doing?" I whispered.

"It wasn't stupid."

"…what?"

"It wasn't stupid." Regulus told me, his grey eyes boring into mine.

I could hardly catch my breath. "Okay?"

"And I lied."

Biting my lip, I said. "Okay, Black. I have no idea what-"

His large hands came down, cupped my face and he swooped down and kissed me.

It didn't feel like the first time. The first time he'd pressed his lips to mine, I leaned into it. There was no thinking, just reacting. This time I did think about it. I thought about what it would feel like for him to really kiss me. Not a curious peck but a real solid, real kiss. Something that I'd feel from my lips to the back of my knees. Not something so easily filed under a mistake but with the intensity he normally used pursing the snitch.

He was actually looking at me the way I'd seen him look at the snitch; focused and fixed. Like there was only one thing in the world he was thinking about and that was the only thing that mattered. When he leaned in I didn't even tell myself I shouldn't. I didn't even hesitate. My hands slid up his neck, gripping it and dragging him down to me. His hands came around my waist, anchoring me to him. The feeling of his fingers dragging down my bare skin brought made me gasp before I could control myself. I felt his lips turn into a smirk at that and it only made me want him more.

My hips pressed and twisted into his, challenging him to give me more. Regulus's tongue parted my lips and nothing was stopping after that point. My hands were buried in his hair, gripping his thick black hair. His lips were persistent, tugging and working against mine with an abandon I could barely handle. It consumed me, he consumed me.

At some point he lifted me up and started walking with me over to the showers. I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about who could see us. I didn't care about what this could mean or what this could do to me. Every inch of me was leaning into him until I could hardly breathe.

Suddenly I was the one that was grabbing his shirt and tugging it off. My hands swept up his torso, needing to feel what I'd always knew was under all of the layers he always wore. His hands were no longer staying in appropriate places. He'd unhooked my bra and gotten it off by the time the locker room door swung open.

The look squeak and thud of the door hitting the wall was enough for us to break a part.

His eyes were filled with just as much panic as mine but there was also something else lingering in there that I couldn't place. My legs dropped from his waist, I snatched my bra and ducked into one of the stalls a mere split second before Alecto walked up.

My heart was slamming in my chest and I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep the sound of my erratic breaths silent. It was nearly impossible considering the raw lethal amount of adrenaline and fear pumping through my system.

I heard her ask. "What the bloody hell are you doing in here?"

"About to take a shower… You mind?" Regulus snapped back.

"You know-" She began in a tone that made my stomach turn.

I curled into the stall wall, praying with everything inside of me, that the situation wouldn't escalate further. Slowly I slipped my bra back on and pressed my ear to the wall so I could hear every single word they were saying.

"No." Regulus said and I thought I heard the shower turn on.

Alecto's shoes squeaked as she stormed away and I dropped to the floor, horrified at what I had just done.

* * *

"Hey, you okay?" Lucinda asked me, flying over to me.

I gulped and said. "I'm fine. I'm fine. Why? Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Because you seem really jumpy all practice. When we did drills you didn't say anything other than, 'yeah that was a start.'"

Wiping my hand over my face I said. "I'm just a little distracted."

"Were you friends with Mary?" Lucinda asked sympathetically.

"No... no no." I shook my head. "I'm just distracted today sorry."

Lucinda frowned. "Oh okay..."

I passed the Quaffle to her. "Come on. Let's do the Goldstriper play."

Soaring the field, I dodged Rabastan and scored while she feigned left. I did a few more plays with them before ending practice. We already did all of the conditioning, drills and new trick plays. Anything else could have been added next time. I needed to not be on that field. I could feel him looking at me. I already gave him instructions as the teams seeker but that wasn't at all why he wanted to talk to me. And there wasn't a chance in hell I was letting him have that conversation with me.

It was supposed to be over. It was a mistake and we were supposed to walk it off. We should have been able to go to practice and then literally not talk unless it had something to do with Quidditch. But now it wasn't just one confusing moment between us. He'd seen me topless. He'd _felt_ me topless and I had felt him up too. We almost... we certainly _would have_ if we hadn't been interrupted.

I couldn't even explain to myself what had come over me. He was attractive, I'd never denied that, but it was more than just finding him attractive. It was the fact that it went from zero to nearly going at it in the showers for no reason.

I didn't like him. I didn't know him well enough to fancy him. There was nothing I could use to reason why this had happened which meant there was nothing I could use as a reason as to why it couldn't happen again. Leaving practice, I didn't even bother to change. I just grabbed my sweatshirt and rushed out of the locker room needing to be as far away from Regulus Black as I could get.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading! Please Review!_


	4. Hypnotic

His father always started it off the same way. He'd always ask, "What were you thinking?" And before he could answer Orion Black would say. "You weren't."

Since his brother left he'd heard this far more than he ever had when his brother was home. But still he very rarely did anything to merit it. He stayed inside the lines. Always did what he was supposed to and stayed clear away from everything he wasn't. Regulus liked to be in control and rule abiding. He took pride in making everything in his life as neat and orderly as possible. The way his brother had left three years earlier had left it's mark and Regulus was sure he learned the lesson. Until the mudblood died.

Seeing that girl on the floor, lifeless… It had done something to him.

He wasn't even involved. He didn't even know anything about it but still it made him sick to his stomach. The girl herself was not important. He had no feelings or allegiance to her personally but he was glad that he wasn't standing with the others when he saw her. For once he couldn't control his reaction. The repulsion at what they'd done rippled through him. He knew it was Mulciber. He'd always been trying to get into McDonald's skirt and it was typical of him to leave the evidence out so blatantly and shamelessly.

The one thing Regulus didn't understand was why. Sure Mulciber wanted to get the girl but there were other girls. Why did he have to slit her throat over it? As a Death Eater Regulus knew he should have been okay with senseless violence by this point but the whole thing was so illogical and barbaric he couldn't be. Sometimes he wondered if they were any better than animals the way they did things.

Ever since then, he noticed how the others laughed and even joked about it. Like it would so funny to them if one of them were found like that.

It was disgusting.

The only person that seemed to be having any sane reaction to it was Vanity and considering how close he'd come to fucking her in the showers he knew he shouldn't be thinking of her at all. He was quickly determining that he couldn't help it. He'd always thought she was fit but he'd never let himself go past that thought. She was his Captain and a half-blood at that. Regulus had always known better than to have more than a sentence or two with her. Which made what he had done, twice now, so messed up.

It was more than he couldn't stop himself. It was the fact that after the first kiss he should have had his curiosity cured. That whole experience should have cured him on all fronts. He wanted to talk to a normal person about what happened and get their perspective. And he had. She didn't think it was okay. She didn't walk it off or laugh it off. So it was okay that he couldn't either. That should have helped his conscience and ended the whole then. But then he needed to feel something. To prove he wasn't like the rest of them. To prove that he didn't just exist to follow orders and do what he was told. To prove that he still was human. So he kissed her, a nice simple little kiss that lead no further. His hands stayed on her waist and he didn't even get his tongue involved in the situation.

And she was right. It should have ended there. He was fairly certain if he hadn't brought it up she never would have. She was sensible with a good head on her shoulders. Emma wasn't like her little friend Meadowes. She never tried to start a fight or take a stand. She was always just in the background, attempting to blend in. And he'd always admired that. She had the intelligence to know when the fight wasn't worth it and learned the game well enough to stay unscathed.

He would have been stupid to ignore the fact that he'd come to fancy her but not as stupid as he was to go after her again. It wasn't intentional. She was stretching; shirtless, bent over and he just… All he could do was stare. She had the longest legs, her body was so tan and toned from clearly spending the summer keeping fit.

Regulus knew better. That didn't stop him though. Nothing could have stopped him when she talked to him so cheerfully, so casually as if her standing there shirtless would have no affect on him. If they hadn't been interrupted he would have fully gone for it. No hesitation. No doubt.

Regulus had spent most of his life second-guessing every decision he made. Could he have stopped his brother? Could he have helped him? Should he have taken the mark or should he have waited until he was older? No decision ever seemed like the right one. But from the moment his lips touched hers he didn't care what was wrong or right. He'd never felt more alive than he had when her fingers were locked onto his hair so tight.

After Alecto left he had to shower. He was so hard there was no way he was going to be able sit on a broom for a half hour after that. Of course he had wondered where she had gone but he was too busy fixing his problem to look into it. By the time he did that everyone else had arrived and she wouldn't look twice at him.

She did that for the next week.

In class she was always sitting with one of her friends. In the Great Hall she never sat at the Slytherin table. In the dorms she always went straight up to her room. He knew she was avoiding him. It became pointed when she was walking down the hall by herself, saw him and immediately barrel rolled into another room. He would have laughed if he weren't slightly offended. Sure he wasn't the most honorable person in the world but he didn't think he was the type of guy girls would drop and roll at the sight of. Finally, after a while he grew sick of it. If it was never going to happen again fine. They could go back to being indifferent teammates but he couldn't take another tuck and roll from her.

When she left the library one day, he grabbed her arm and dragged her into a closet.

* * *

I thought I was doing well. With the exception of my late night thoughts, I'd completely avoided him. I didn't know when I signed up to avoid him just how often I was in the same room he was. For years I just thought we were on the same Quidditch team and that was it but it wasn't. He was in every class, went to all the same meals, and went to the same dorm every night. It became a bit of an Olympic sport to dodge him. Even when he wasn't looking at me or even close to me I'd just get a look at the arms that had lifted me with such little effort or the lips that left mine swollen and have to force myself to think about anything else. He was killing me.

When I was leaving the library, I had all my books in my bag. He never went to the library so I grabbed a days worth of food and hid in there. It was actually kind of nice. I was tucked in one of the back desks by the law records that no one ever bothered to check out. I probably finished all the work I had to do for the rest of the month but it was better than letting my brain and hands wander. I was feeling quite proud of myself until I felt him grab my arm and caught a hit of his cologne.

"Oh crap." I blurted out, dropping my bag to the ground.

Regulus scoffed. "Oh crap?... That's your response?"

"I'm sorry." I grimaced. "I um… Heeeey…"

"What is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?! What's wrong with you? You've been the one basically mounting me every time I see you."

"Mounting you?!"

"Yes," I threw my hands up. "And why are you trying so hard to talk to me? Can't you see I'm trying to avoid you?"

"Yes I saw you literally roll away from me."

I bit my lip and nodded slowly. "Not my finest moment but infinitely better than how stupid we get when we are this close together."

"Stupid?" He asked.

"Yes… Stupid like how you are leaning towards me right now. Stupid like how you're looking at me. You are a Black. I'm a half-blood. This should be a no brainer. You need to go. You need to stop looking at me like that and you need to remember you are supposed to be repulsed by the sound of me breathing."

Regulus crossed his arms and sighed.

"How are you going to sigh at me like I'm wrong?!" I exclaimed. " _You know I'm right!"_

He frowned but didn't say anything.

"So. Let's just rewind this crazy train and think clearly. We are adults. We have nothing in common-"

"Not true."

I glared at him. "Liking Quidditch and being tall are not good enough reasons, Black."

"There are others."

"How cryptic you are? How saying more than a handful of words hurts you?"

He sighed, a big heavy sigh like I was the one being difficult. His mouth opened before he paused and looked up to the sound of people coming.

My eyes grew large and I said. "We can't-"

His hand went over my mouth and he curled me into him to keep me quiet. I didn't even struggle against him. All of my efforts were wasted at how naturally I fit in his arms and how good it felt to have those arms wrapped around me again. He was so strong and stable.

"I thought I saw him walking over here." Alecto sighed furiously. "He's so slippery."

"I don't know why you bother. You know he's like a monk." Clara Rosier said haughtily.

Alecto said. "It would be a good match. My family could use some good publicity and it doesn't get any better than mixing with the Blacks."

"I'm sure you can nudge him in the right direction with minimal persuasion."

"What did you have in mind?"

Their voices grew distant until I couldn't hear them. The hand that had been clamped over my mouth lowered but the one slung around my waist moved slower. I shivered when his fingers grazed my exposed hip, stepping away with a purpose.

"Well they're clearly going to slip something into your pumpkin juice."

He scowled and leaned back against the wall.

"Well. This has been fun. But I'm gonna go." I picked up my bag. "And you should probably go deal with whatever she's going to do to you."

Regulus kept looking at me, his dark hair falling in his face slightly.

"What?"

"I fancy you."

There it was. The most ridiculous thing I was sure he'd ever said.

"Black…" I gaped at him.

"I'm just saying. I think we should let it happen."

I raised my eyebrows. "Let it happen?"

He nodded.

"Just… snog, not talk about it and keep it private?"

Again he nodded.

"And you don't think that's going to blow up in our faces?"

He took two steps closer to me.

"And here you go with the leaning thing again. Black-"

He didn't let me finish. His hands went around me and yanked me forward. I was kissing him before I even knew how to stop myself. Regulus lifted me up and pinned me to the wall. _And god help me,_ I locked onto his shoulders and my legs curled around his waist. His hands slipped under my skirt, I bit down on his bottom lip, he gripped me tighter and I rocked against him. Every action had retaliation and it only got worse. I could feel how hard I made him and it only made me want him more.

Off was his shirt, off came his belt. I scrambled so hard to get him naked that I didn't notice he'd gotten my knickers off until his fingers had sunk deep inside of me.

" _Oh._ " I gasped, breaking from his lips, my forehead pressing to his.

He whispered in a deep voice. "You like that?"

"Mhmm." I moaned, bucking into his hand.

Unzipping his pants, I pushed them down along with his boxers and felt for him when he sprung free.

"I want this." I whispered boldly, stroking him.

He gasped loudly, bucking into my hand. Looking up, I bit my lip at the feral look on his face. There was nothing stopping us now. I heard him whisper the spell. He lifted me and eased in slowly to give me a chance to adjust to him. It had been so long since I'd done anything. It had been over a year since I'd bothered to date anyone. It was more lack of interest than lack of trying and now I was feeling everything at once.

His lips started going down my neck. I arched into his lips, panting when he sucked down at the hollow of my neck. I clawed into his shoulders, grasping at his hair desperately holding him against my neck. His thrusts grew harder and faster, my hips tried to match his speed but failed. He knew what he was doing and with every stroke I was closer and closer to crying out. Biting my lip to hold back all of my moans, I barely could keep it together. He was… persistent.

" _Regulus_." I gasped.

He drew back just in time to see me fall of the edge. My hand shot up to stop the scream from leaving my lips but that only made him go harder. I shook and jolted forward as he slammed into me with everything he had. When he pulsed I was already headed to my second finish and the force which he worked into me made me cum with him.

For a moment we stayed perfectly still, intertwined and trembling. Drawing back, I slipped off of him and dropped down to the floor. His arms stayed around me. He didn't let go nor did he move back for a few seconds. His grey eyes were fixed on my face and I could hardly handle it.

"Curiosity fixed?" I asked hopefully.

He smirked and shook his head.

"You've seen me naked." I laughed with a groan, leaning forward and resting my forehead on his bare chest. "Isn't that the whole point?... What else is there for you to see?"

"I want to keep seeing it."

I bit my lip, tracing my fingers over his muscles. "This is a horrible idea."

He laughed. The sound made me smile. He had such a nice laugh. _God I was in trouble._

"I'm gonna." I shifted away to pull my knickers back up, fix my skirt and shirt. "I'm gonna go."

Regulus boxed his arms on either side of me. The sight that smirk doing something to me.

"Stop looking at me like that. You already got what you wanted. You are done. You are finished. You need to go marry a Pureblood and ..." I giggled as he started kissing my neck again. This time his lips were soft and teasing. "We need to stop. We need to..." I groaned and bit my lip when his hands slipped up the back of my shirt. "You are moving in the wrong direction."

"I wasn't done." He dragged my shirt up and started kissing down, his hands unhooking my bra.

"Oh... fuck it...Keep going." I groaned, leaning into him and locking the door behind me.

* * *

 _Thank you everyone who has reviewed! I really appreciate it! Thank you for reading! Please review!_


	5. Alive

When I was little I used to love to twirl. I'd spend hours circling my living room, spinning around and giggling. My mother never quite understood why. Sometimes I'd do it for a half hour at a time until I'd get too dizzy to do it anymore. I told her I liked the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next. Which didn't make any sense because I was the one who chose the direction, the speed, the act itself. So there should have been no surprises. And yet I felt like there was. Like there was a higher power that was commanding my feet and propelling me forward. When really I was control of everything all along.

* * *

Sitting back in my bed, I adjusted my headband and sighed. All of my roommates, and most of my housemates for that matter, were gone at some Pureblood function. I always loved when they had them because I had the whole dorm to myself and most of them stayed gone the rest of the weekend so there was never any risk of them barging back in. I usually would put on my facemask, get in my sweats and just lay on my bed. I'd perhaps put on some classical music or something soothing for the background and pretend I was at my own personal spa. Of course after a while I'd wash my face and read or do something else, but it always started with spending hours upon hours just being blissfully alone. No roommates glaring or snarling at me. No possibly of being hexed. Just peace.

That peace was wonderful until it hit me it had been a week since I'd last seen Regulus. I'd spent those peaceful hours not relaxing or getting some essential _me time_ but sitting there, worrying that I'd done the wrong thing.

Yes, I knew it would bite me in the ass but it was kind of anti-climatic when it didn't. No one had caught us together. There was no epic dramatic show down. We had sex... more than once and then I didn't hear from him again.

If it were July and we were staying on a beach it would have been a fleeting summer fling that had run it's course. Like what most romance books are written after. But it was the middle of October and I still had to see him every single day.

I knew he couldn't have possibly fancied me. He barely knew me let alone knew me well enough to have more than feelings of pure attraction. But I had let him have it. Mostly because I didn't want to think he was playing me but also because for once it was nice to hear.

I'd never been the girl that thought that there were any _type_ of girls. I would never say I was not _'that'_ type of girl. But I would say that men typically weren't interested in me. Sure a few had been attracted and I'd made many male friends in my life. But men generally didn't look at me the way Jack looked at Jocelyn.

It hadn't really bothered me much. There were times were it had; school dances, summer parties where everyone would pair off. But mostly it was brief feeling. I was focused on the future. I told myself I would be a professional Quidditch player with not enough time on my hands to date or be worked up over any of it. And I was sure that would be true. Trainning alone was intense and time consuming let alone playing year around. But my greatest fear wasn't not having a boyfriend. Anyone can pick up a boyfriend. It's like going to the store and picking up a snack. My greatest fear was eventually when I couldn't hop on a broom anymore and all of my friends were busy with their kids and grandkids I would become my dad. Lonely.

I'd find a day job and that would be it. Nothing new to report when I'd see my old friends. Nothing new to feel. I just would settle into being lonely. The difference was my dad had been in love and had an interesting life.

My father, Benjamin Lucas Vanity, was born while my grandparents were traveling abroad. My grandparents were young and free spirited. They had spent years saving money to travel and when they discovered they were pregnant they decided to go through with it anyway. He spent the first decade of his life living place to place, learning about other cultures and trying new things that he would have never gotten the chance to if they would have stayed in England.

By the time he got his letter to Hogwarts they'd come back and made a home in Scotland. He'd learned six or seven languages and had a truly unique childhood which only became more interesting when he discovered that he hadn't been imagining the lights changing colors or his things shifting when he thought about cleaning up. My father said his parents were baffled when they took him to Diagon Alley but it only followed the path that they'd already raised him to go down.

So he went to Hogwarts was sorted into Ravenclaw and was amazed. He would often explore the castle and read everything he could on all forms of magic. Like his parents, he always looked out for new experiences and any knowledge he could get. By his sixth year he had a few friends but mostly he kept to himself until one day he was tutoring this girl. When he first told me the story I didn't know he was talking about my mum. He said that he had just been finishing his last tutoring session when this girl walked in and begged him to stay longer and help her with her History of Magic homework. At the time my father was irritated because he'd been tutoring for hours and found it odd that a Pureblooded girl would have trouble knowing her own history but he still stayed.

My mother admitted that she knew History of Magic and was getting an E but she wanted an excuse to talk to my father. She'd noticed him leaving the library often, his arms filled with books and thought it was adorable how interested he was in seemingly everything. She said she'd never met anyone so invested in things. Pureblood's mostly were bored with everything because everything was beneath them. But my father had a passion for life and my mother couldn't help but be smitten with that. My father always said it took him a couple of weeks to realize that she knew the answers and was just there to spend time with him. But once he realized it they'd start meeting in secret. Snogging under trees, late night walks across the grouns. She said every man she'd ever met saw her as a trophy. Another Pureblooded woman to put on their mantel. A girl of the sacred 28 but my father was the only one that saw her as Cecilia, the sixteen year old girl that loved Herbology and stealing his old man sweaters.

They'd spent every moment they could together. Even on summer break she'd sneak away and meet him. He said he knew she was the one when they danced for the first time outside an old coffee shop by his house. He'd gotten a ring and he proposed to her after a year of being together while they were still in school.

Of course all hell broke loose.

My mother was my grandparents only child. There were other Fawley's but they only had my mum. And they weren't going to let her marry a muggleborn. There was a fight. My father barely made it out of there but he never gave up on her or walked away. They got married, my mother was disowned and my father was blackballed from ever getting a high level job but they didn't care. Even when my mother died he never showed an ounce of regret because he loved my mother and that was more than enough for him.

Ever since my father would sit at a desk job, with a picture of my mother on his desk and a wedding ring prominantly on his finger with no regard to the future because of how throughly he lived in the past.

So he may be lonely. He may be trapped in the past but he did live once. And my greatest fear was that that wouldn't be something I'd be able to say about myself. That I would never have that fire or that feeling about anything.

* * *

Fiddling with my the edge of my bedspread, I started slide farther down the bed. I wished I were Dorcas or Jocelyn. Dorcas who lived every breath and gave everything her all. Jocelyn who was fueled by innovation and already found the person she would like to be next to in the nursing home.

And then there was me. What would I be doing in five years? In ten? How long would my career last? Most professionals lasted 15 years max maybe 20 if they stayed in phenomenal shape.

Turning over I was about to get up and wash my face when I saw Regulus Black standing next to me.

"OH FUCK!" I screamed, clasping a hand over my heart.

"Sorry." He mumbled, raising his hands.

" _You nearly gave me a heart attack!_ What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you."

He would have seen me flush but it was at that moment I realized I was still wearing my frog colored face mask. Embarassed but stubborn I didn't jump to wipe it off. Instead I moved to sit back up.

"Why? Shouldn't you be at that thing?" I asked, noticing he was wearing a suit jacket and dress pants.

 _God, he was so fit._

He shifted a little closer, a small smile working onto his face as his eyes shifted over my face mask. "I left early."

"Well." I snorted, gesturing to myself. "I'm sure this puts you right in the mood."

He sat down next to me in the limited space, his cologne washed over me almost rudely. "Eh."

I laughed. "Eh?"

"You're still... alright."

I shook my head, a laugh still fresh on my lips and pushed him. He caught my hand and smiled down at me. Again I should have asked what he was doing there. I should have told him so many things but I didn't care enough to.

He made me laugh. And even if he went another week without coming within a foot of me it was worth it to feel something for a few moments.

"Are you going to kiss me while I look like this?" I teased, perking my lips up at him.

He laughed, shaking slightly. "No." Regulus stood up, went into the bathroom and came back with a wet wash cloth. Before I could say anything he started wiping it off my face.

I giggled and it only got worse when after he'd finish a section he'd kiss the freshly cleaned area. "What are you doing?"

"Helping." He smirked, wiping my face until it was completely clean.

"You're so weird."

Regulus shrugged unconcernedly before he placed the washcloth on my side table and kissed me. It was a long lingering kiss. Filled with all of the days it had been since the last time since he touched me. I leaned into it instinctively.

I wondered if he had told himself he was done and came back. I wondered if this was just the first opportunity he had or if he was standing at the ball and decided he wanted a repeat. Either way I wasn't asking. If I didn't ask he could be there for whatever reason I deemed fit and in that moment I needed that leeway.

His hands pushed down my sweatpants quickly. I expected him to get my top off or start undressing himself. I didn't expect his hand to shoot down my knickers and start stroking my clit clockwise.

Gasping, I drew back from his lips, shivering. It was clear by the look on his face that he wasn't planning any of this. Regulus shifted down and pressed his forehead to mine so our breaths mixed together. I bucked into his hand, my hand locked onto his arm to keep him from drawing back as I grew closer and closer.

How many times had I pictured this when I was doing it to myself? How many times did I wish he would show up and do it for me?

Regulus leaned down and sucked down on my bottom lip. He pulled back, his eyes boring into mine. "Cum."

I looked up at him and said. "No."

"What?"

"You have to make me." I retorted, my grip relaxing on his arm.

He didn't seem to know what to say for a second and I worried he would pull back and leave. But he didn't. Instead he said, "Fine," and started kissing down my stomach.

If I had been surprised before it was nothing compared to how surprised I was to feel his tongue trace down my body. Arching into his mouth, I covered my mouth when his hand started moving again.

His head snapped up, he took my hand off my mouth and whispered huskily. "No. You don't get to be quiet after that."

Whimpering, I nodded eagerly, watching as his lips dropped back down to my lower abs just above where his hand was working into me. My hips started to rise without my permission. Tightening and flexing, I felt a dark ache grow between my thighs that I distantly recognized but had never felt this intensely before. Just when I thought I was going to explode, his mouth replaced his hand and I was shattered.

I'd felt something different when we had sex. That had been intense but this... This built differently and took over my entire body until I fell a part. When I came down, I was still panting and trying to get a grip when I saw him staring at me. Words were useless. Leaning up, I grabbed his tie and dragged him down on top of me. My mouth attacked his without any mercy or patience. I unbuttoned his shirt, pushed his jacket off but left on his tie. I liked having something that I could use to keep him close.

Peeling off his belt and working on his pants, he pushed me back to lift up my t-shirt. When he discovered I was braless he let out a mixture of lust and frustration. His lips left mine and sought out my chest. His tongue was relentless against my peaks, sharpening and softening on a whim.

" _God."_ I mumbled, sliding my hands into his hair and locking onto it, pushing him harder against me.

He growled at that and finished what I had started with his pants. Regulus muttered the spell and I expected him to go right for it but he had other ideas. He flipped us over so I was on top of him. I in turn gripped his tie and tugged him to sit up. The flash of arousal on his face from this was palpable. If I was going to be on top he was going to be sitting up, involved in the process. I gripped his tie, smirking when I saw him fight the urge to show how much he enjoyed that.

"Oh no. You don't get to hold back after that." I taunted him, stroking my other hand up and down his length. At one point I grazed him against my entrance but I didn't push him in. Not yet.

" _Emma_." Regulus hissed, gritting his teeth.

"Oh, do you want something?" I continued for a second before lining him up and sinking down on him quicker than he anticipated.

His hands took hold of my hips, clenching when he was all the way inside of me. I arched against him, letting out a shallow sigh. Taking hold of his shoulders, I spread my legs wider to take him even deeper and started rocking against him. Every time I glanced up his eyes were either on mine or tracing down my body. No one had ever looked at me like that before. I moved even faster.

It didn't take long at all for us to reach the edge. When we did he buried his face in my neck, his fingers digging into my back and I clawed into his shoulders.

My body was spent and I couldn't catch my breath. I had gone for a jog earlier, four miles but that was nothing compared to sex with him. It took every ounce of energy and left nothing left. Sliding off of him, I dropped down onto the bed. I didn't bother to get dressed right away. He'd already seen everything and the minute I had the energy I was going to shower anyway.

"Do we have practice tomorrow?" He asked, pulling up his boxers.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. "No."

"You have plans tomorrow?"

"...No."

He turned on his side and said. "Want to do something?"

"Something like what we just did or other kinds of something?"

"... I mean... ideally both." He laughed.

I smiled. "Yeah... okay."

"Okay."

"You going to sneak out now?"

"It's not really sneaking when no one's around." Regulus said but he didn't move.

I asked, curiously. "What do you people even do at your little events?"

"There's food, dancing."

"You dance?"

He smiled. "Depends on the partner."

"Did you dance tonight? Perhaps with your little best friend Alecto."

He groaned and nudged me.

"You can be honest here. I will just completely and entirely judge you." I teased.

Regulus took my blanket it and covered me while he said. "I slipped out before she could make another move."

"And you came here."

He nodded.

"Good choice really."

Regulus laughed, leaning down to kiss me. He kept it brief and shifted back but stayed close. My teasing tone left at how close he was to me. I had to know. I had to understand.

"Why did you come?"

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you all week... I tried to stop. You were right. It was stupid and ridiculous but..."

"But?"

"I don't know. I was coming back to go back to bed and I found myself walking over here."

Biting my lip, I said. "Is it because you can't have me? You were in a roomful of girls you could be caught with no consequences."

"Are you psycoanalyzing me?"

"I'm trying to understand why you're doing this. This makes sense for me but not for you."

"How so?" He asked, leaning on his arm.

"You're hot. You're not an idiot and ... that's really it."

"I could say the same to you."

I gave him a look. "You have a bit of a wider pool to pull from than I do."

"Maybe I don't want to snog a girl that sees it a means to an end."

"As someone that has snogged you I guarantee you no one would ever think that."

He snorted and gave me a look. "You know what I mean. They all want a husband that's wealthy and I fit the bill. If I looked like Avery most of them would still be after me. But you wouldn't."

"So I'm shallow but not with wealth."

"No you just have standards. They would fuck Avery even though he's repulsive, not just looks wise but how sleazy and gross he is. You wouldn't."

"I'm sure some of them wouldn't either."

"Are you trying to talk me out of this?"

"No. I'm just telling you I'm not special and making sure one of us is thinking this through." I told him flatly. "You asked me on a date... That entitles me to some questions."

"Okay... Elizabeth Yaxley, she's pretty, smart and she would date me even if I was at Avery's level but not if I had his personality. Alecto is ..." He moved on. "Clara Rosier wouldn't marry me if I was at Avery's level but would if I had his personality. Alexandra Nott-"

"What are you doing?"

He said. "I'm listing every girl I could concievably date and how they would react to what you just said."

"To prove?"

"That I don't care about any of that. I only want to date you."

I flushed, and ducked my head for a second before replying. "Okay but you have to care about some of it."

"Some of it yeah but I think I'd like you even if you were a Pureblood and there was no conflict of interest."

"Why?"

"I just do."

I wanted more than that. I wanted a History of Magic length paper on why me but I didn't need it. After all he could turn the same things around on me like he did a moment earlier. There were reasons why I liked him but he could reason I only liked him was because I wasn't supposed to either. I said why didn't he go after another girl at the dance but at the same time why didn't I ask Jocelyn or Dorcas to set me up with someone? Surely one of them could introduce me to someone less complicated. But I didn't and until that moment I hadn't even thought to do so.

We were just two people who were attracted to each other and even more attracted to the fact that we shouldn't be.

I leaned in. "So what are we doing tomorrow?"

A slow smirk grew on his face. "I'm not telling you."

"Cryptic again." I slipped my arm around him and dragged him over to kiss me. "And there's nothing I can do to convince you to tell me?" I whispered against his lips.

"Nope." He replied, deepening the kiss. "Come on... Show me the shower..."

I groaned, stood up and took his hand. "If you're lucky... I'll let you borrow my face mask."

He laughed, ushered me into the shower.

* * *

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	6. If I Lose Myself

Regulus couldn't sleep. He was having the dream again. Not that it was actually a dream but more a horrific memory.

He shifted so his legs were dangling off the side of his bed. His body drenched with sweat. It had been a few hours since he left Emma. He almost just stayed there but the thought of it seemed a little more than he was ready for. Not that he hadn't slept with a girl before but it had never been intentional. He'd always just fallen asleep and woke up to a girl on top of him. Not the worst thing but not the best when the girl was usually curled around him tighter than he was comfortable with. This... thing was different. He didn't leave after they finished their shower. He could have but instead he slipped back into her bed and talked with her a bit more.

It was funny really. He wasn't much of a talker but whenever he was talking to her it was so easy. Maybe it was because he'd been around her for years. So there was that level of comfort that had built organically over the years. Whatever it was, they stayed up late talking about their favorite board games (his; wizards chess, hers; wizarding trivial pursuit) and random things he was sure he would have never talked to anyone else about.

Leaning over, he ran his hands over his face and tried to slow his breathing. Count to ten inhale, count to ten exhale. Like... like his brother had taught them when they were little. Back when he was a foot and a half shorter with no need to shave every day or put a charm on his forearm to hide his tattoo or all the rest of his scars. Sometimes he missed Sirius so much it felt like it was suffocate him. He always acted like he didn't love his brother but even Sirius knew it was a lie. Sirius was his best friend. The only one that bothered to care about him. When he had to learn how to tie his shoes, when he had to learn how to read, when Regulus had to learn anything it was Sirius that took the time to teach him. He was never too cool to include his little brother or show Regulus he loved him. Until he got to Hogwarts.

All of a sudden he found friends and didn't need Regulus anymore. A part of him understood that though Sirius was there for Regulus no one was there for Sirius. No one could protect Sirius from their father's abuse or their mothers neglect. As an adult he understood some of it more now but he was still bitter about all of it. And the dreams weren't helping. He didn't want to remember how his brother had left. The blood, the screaming, the broken glass... He just wanted to forget everything. But his mind wouldn't let him.

Sometimes he thought that he repressed so many things his brain had filled his capacity. Maybe that's why he gravitated towards Emma in the first place. Unlike everyone he knew she wouldn't judge him or use his weaknesses to get ahead. Maybe he just liked the idea that if he needed to talk for once he could. And maybe she was another thing he couldn't bring himself to repress.

Either way he just wanted to be in control of himself. He wanted to be better, stronger and not so torn about everything all of the time.

Standing up, he showered and went for a run. It was still early so he didn't see a soul as he sprinted out of the castle. His feet pounded against the uneven ground and he tried to even out. In a few hours he'd be out with a girl while the rest of his dorm were at home screaming at their house elves about crust lined sandwiches. For a few hours he wasn't going to be a Black. He wasn't going to wear a tie and feel like everything he said was scripted and written by people who didn't know him at all. He could just be. And even if this was the only time he ever got the chance or let himself do it, he was taking it.

* * *

Just before it was time for breakfast he arrived back to his room. He wasn't quite sure what to wear on a date. He couldn't say he'd exactly been on one before. He'd slipped into dates but most of the time he hadn't realized he was on one until it came time to pay the bill and the girl would look up at him expectingly. Not that he minded. He had the money to spare and only once was the girl rude about it. But he hadn't really cared. They'd ended up snogging or shagging but at the end of the day it really didn't matter to him. He never fretted about whether he should wear jeans or what kind of shirt he should wear. With Emma he had no idea what to expect. He'd only seen three versions; school uniform, sweats or her Quidditch uniform. It didn't really give him a base to know what was appropriate.

When he met her by the boundary line by the forbidden forrest he was relieved to see she was wearing jeans and a red sweater. She hadn't put on much make-up just something around her eyes but her dark hair was down instead of up or pushed back like it usually was. He smiled at her and it quickly turned to a grin.

"Ready to go?"

She nodded but said. "Do you have anywhere in particular you were planning on taking me?"

"No. Not really."

"Mind if I pick? I have an idea and I swear no one would know you."

Regulus looked down at her for a moment before he gently held his hand out for her to take. He watched her brown eyes, so warm and big, look at his hand before she carefully slipped her hand into his.

"Your hands are so cold." She told him, stepping closer while she rubbed the circulation back into them.

"I always am." He said, fighting a smile.

Emma glanced up at him, rising up to kiss him. It was like he'd seen around. Girls hovering closer and closer before they'd kiss the boy ever so gently. He'd just never been the one in that equation before.

She smiled and he did too.

"Okay." She whispered. "Let's go."

When they landed Regulus wasn't sure what to expect. There were a lot of places he could go that someone wouldn't know him. Pureblood's tended to have specific routes and areas. When he opened his eyes he was surprised to see they were in some sort of building with ice in the center. She asked. "You can ice skate right?"

He nodded and followed her forward to get skates. "Do we have to pay?"

"No. It's free skate today." She explained. "I used to come here with my dad sometimes. His parents, my grandparents house, is just down the way."

Regulus slipped on the skates, tied the as tight as possible and lead her out to the rink. He hadn't ice skated in years. Back when Sirius and him were little. Their Uncle Alphard took them and promptly got them hot chocolate after. It was one of the most normal afternoons of his life. He wondered if this was what it was like to not be a Black, a Pureblood. Weaving around the rink, no structure, no weight. Just existing.

He looked over just in time to see her do the skating spins, she looked graceful. Something he wouldn't have used to describe Emma before that exact moment.

The joy on her face was radiant. He couldn't look away. Her dark hair flew around her, her arms spread out like she was flying. She beamed like a little kid and he couldn't help but smile the same way in return. She came over to him and took his hand. No hesitation, no silent conversation about who they were and what they should be doing. Just a girl holding a boys hand.

At one point he took her waist and started skating like they were dancing. Her laugh filled the room. By the time they came off the ice they were both thirsty and ready for some hot chocolate.

"Want to walk with it?" He suggested, slipping his hand back into hers.

She nodded and they walked around the town.

"Do your grandparents still live here?" He asked.

Emma shook her head. "No they're traveling. They're a bit of nomads. They lived here until three years ago when they decided they wanted to travel again. They get a bit restless."

"... Your grandparents?"

"Yeah." She smiled. "Age doesn't really stop them from doing anything. They're probably as fit as I am really."

"Wow."

"Are you close with your grandparents?"

"I was. I spent a lot of time there when I was little. I don't see my gran as much now that my grandfather is gone."

She looked over and said. "You call your grandmother gran?"

"Yeah."

"That's cute." She said softly. "What did you do with them?"

"Play chess with my grandfather or he would teach me about Greek myths."

Emma smiled. "And your gran?"

"Mostly just get food and talk shit about the rest of my family."

"...Really?!"

Regulus smiled. "Yeah. She kind of is the Queen of Pureblood society so she can say whatever she wants to whoever she wants. And she does."

"She sounds sassy."

"She.. that's a word for it." He laughed.

Emma grinned. "Do you still do lunch with her?"

"Some times. Not as much lately. There's been a lot going on."

"I see... My dad keeps trying to get me to visit my grandparents or go see them for a summer but I don't really fancy roughing it. I mean I don't think I'm necessarily prissy but I also hate camping or not having access to a shower."

Regulus listened and snorted. "I can agree with that."

"Yeah I couldn't necessarily see you roughing it." She laughed.

"What do you mean?"

Emma bit her lip and said. "You are always perfectly well put together... I've never even seen you with a hair out of place. Only time you have been anything less then perfect is after shagging and that's just because my hands were in your hair."

Regulus flushed at that. "You do, do that."

"Well... yes." She laughed again. "Just like you like to go after my neck."

"Hmmm." Regulus stopped walking and started kissing down her neck. "I do enjoy this."

She giggled and lightly smacked his arm. Drawing back, her brown eyes stared up at him. He could see attraction, amusement but for the first time, no fear. Regulus couldn't say he understood what was happening. A month or two ago he would never have kissed her, asked her out or be looking back at her the way he was.

"Is there anywhere around here to get food?"

"Mhmmm." Emma took his hand back and they went into a restaurant.

"I've never heard of some of these things."

"Because you are so Pureblood it's painful."

He laughed. "I'm too pureblood to know what-"

"Yes." She answered before he could finish.

Regulus threw a straw wrapper at her. Emma giggled and dodged it before he broke of the end of hers and shot it at him. Regulus grabbed more straws and tried to shoot them back and her but missed a couple of times leading Emma to double over in laughter.

A nearby waitress smiled and didn't reprimand them for taking all the straws, instead giving them a minute before asking them to order. Emma ordered for him, insisting that he at least try it before he left it. And he did try everything she put in front of him. Only being difficult when he knew she would kiss him to get him to do it.

When they walked out he asked her. "Why do you love Quidditch so much? I mean I've always liked it... but you... you really love it."

"It was kind of a family thing. Both of them loved watching me play. My mum... She really loved Quidditch. When she was little her dad used to sneak out and take her to games. Her mother didn't want her going because she was a girl but he took her anyway. And one day when I was little I just stumbled over to a broom and it lifted up for me." Emma smiled, "So she bought me a little kid one and I was just hooked ever since... She signed me up for all of the camps and things I could do and I've just never get tired of it."

"It is kind of freeing to be on a broom." He nodded, smiling at her last comment. "While the rest of the kids were sneaking out to the next town to get candy you were flying."

"And you stayed in your bunk where you were supposed to be."

Regulus looked at her, tilting his head.

"What?"

"You remembered that."

"What? You're surprised that I remember what you were doing but you clearly remember what I was doing?" Emma took a step closer. "Did it ever occur to you that I've known you for years so it's possible I could have noticed you before now?"

He flushed. "No."

She rolled her eyes.

"What?"

"You really think you're not worth paying attention to, don't you?"

The question threw him. Yes he knew he was generally attractive. Yes he knew he was a viable suitor. But he never thought about it like that. His brother was smart, and full of life. Everyone was drawn to Sirius, but Regulus was more of a acquired taste.

Emma leaned up and kissed him. Then as she pulled back, she cupped his face and said. "You're someone worth noticing Regulus."

He blinked, kissing her again and again until his lips were far past swollen.

When the sky started to darken they headed back, knowing people would be starting to head back to the dorms soon and at least one of their absences could be noticed. Regulus walked her to her door and said. "So."

Emma bit her lip and said. "So."

"I'm not stopping unless you want to."

"I don't want to stop."

Regulus smiled. "Okay... Um then maybe after practice we can sneak away?"

"Yes." She giggled. "I'd like that."

He kissed her. Probably for the millionth time that day but he still hadn't grow tired of it.

"Regulus." Emma sighed, gripping his jacket. "You need to go."

"Okay." He kissed her again and started to leave. "I'll see you."

Emma nodded, leaning into the doorframe.

Regulus understood what the expression 'walking on a cloud' felt like. When he dropped back on his bed, he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. He'd had the perfect day. He didn't even remember the morning anymore, only what it felt to have her hand grip his and hear the warmth of her laugh.

Eventually he heard the others come back from their weekends. He could hear them loudly bragging about the girls they shagging and insulting the girls who had obviously rejected them. It was the same things he'd heard countless times before. Now instead of being bored with it, he laughed to himself. Not because he outright found it amusing but because he could picture so clearly how ridiculous Emma would find it.

And he couldn't help but laugh.

* * *

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